The World It Awaits Your Smile

your face haunts me like a bad dream
your memory my recurring nightmare
I’ve tried
but it’s not as easy for me as it is for you
to forget
I am forever changed
you are still the same
I want you to see the difference
you’ve burned the photograph
would you even remember my name?
because I remember everything
your fingertips against my skin
how I trembled at their touch
your voice so smooth
calling me into rebellion
throwing cation to the wind I followed
yet your voice faded
and I stood lost
I found myself on the precipice
looking over to see the fall
looking back to see the dark
lost between the two
waiting on the edge
waiting to hear your voice again
waiting to feel your touch like before
until finally
I jumped

I was unspoiled
I was by no means perfect
but I was
whole
I was beautiful
not extremely pretty
but I had beauty
I was the girl in the white dress
spotless
untouched
you saw that
you saw my wholesomeness
and you attacked
you wanted it
and like a fool I sipped your poison
cautiously I put the cup to my lips
I took my first sip
it seemed fine
delicious even
I continued to drink
craving each sip soon after the last
faster and faster I devoured the cup
until
drops began to fall
on
my
beautiful
unspoiled
white dress
not noticing I continued
poison streaming down my face
onto my dress
leaving horrible red stains
I gasped for air
throwing down your cup
I looked
my dress!
I stared in horror
you!
you ruined my dress!
you ruined
my
beauty
you didn’t care
you looked at the stains
and laughed
howled
enjoying the look of me
you
previously so desirable
now a
horrible
disgusting
stain on my white dress
I
no longer beautiful
no longer whole
turned away from you in shame
turned away from myself
having accomplished much you left quickly
I took my dress off
I threw it away
some stains never come out

I just want your name to cross my lips
sweet letters
dripping down my chin
your breath hot in my ear
passion
flowing between the small exchanges
your lips on mine
sugary
addicting
yummy
lips
mine insatiable
craving to taste them
as breathing gets shorter
and movements get faster
the sweet satisfaction of your name
escapes from me
runs away from my mouth
the beautiful sound
leaving my throat
an utterance
of love’s display

Conceived of the earth
I am born to my Earth Mother
I feel her hands as they formed my bones
Her laughter in my hair 
Small giggles in each ringlet
Her arms rock me to sleep
Her eyes watch over my slumber
In every cell of my body she is there
I cherish her presence in me for I am her child
I hurt when she hurts
I long to comfort her in her time of need
To wrap my arms around her and let her rain like tears fall across my body
I’d kiss her forehead 
Stroke her hair
And tell my sweet earth mother 
It’ll be ok

I love the smell of a candle just blown out
it’s purpose served
a final sign of it’s complete cycle 
while a candle has many chances to start again
once my flame goes out 
my final smoke will be just that
final 
I hope that someone
either above
or below
or on earth 
or passed on
will be there to smell it
the flame gets blown out
the light flickering against the wind
colors changing from light to dark
and when those final puffs of smoke go up into existence
I hope that the final signal of my usefulness 
my symbol of completion 
will enter the lungs of something
a restful odor of times now past

what is this life?

this so called gift

a string of disappointments

held together by daily torments

deep within the cells of my brain
I’d begun our separation
I began to release myself of your constraints
slowly holding on to you less and less
the firey love I once had
like my body had been engulfed in flames
I slowly extinguished
but
what hurt more
was putting out the fire
than letting it consume me
the heat I felt in my heart for you
gave me temporary comfort
a false hope
that maybe I’d see your face once more
hold you close to me
and feel your heart beat against mine
yet without fuel no fire can thrive
this fire being no exception
I cry no tears for our separation
for in my heart tears are putting out our flames
the burns left on me
though they will heal
are a sweet enough memory of what was
and what will never be
and as the last flickers die out
the healing process gets easier
no
I will never forget
but I will continue on

Open your eyes ma

Can’t you see how much god loves gay people?

Can’t you see how easy he makes life for us?

How those who accept us are celebrated but those who hate us are ostracized?

Look around

See how gays and lesbians can walk the streets at night without constantly looking over their shoulders

See them hold hands with their partners without dirty looks

See them kiss in public without taunts or vulgarities shouted their way

See how much they flourish and thrive in our society

Now take off those rose colored glasses 

Before you condemn someone mom

Learn their struggle

I feel the ice in your veins

The strain as you wrap your arms around me

I am not the child you wanted

You are not the mother I need

People so different from each other

Killing themselves trying to keep a dying bond alive

I see in your eyes

Judegement

Hatred

Disgust

But all you see in mine is pain

Pain caused by looking into your eyes

Trying to find a shred of compassion

The more I hurt the more I let you hurt me

I continue to gaze deep into your eyes

The eyes that can’t bare to look upon me

I let them break me down like lasers

I keep up a strong appearance

Yet inside my soul is dying